poems from my 20s
for death as in life
we choose sorrow
and suffer for love
I'm going to write. I am going to write today. I am going to write something that jumps off the page today. I am going to write. I am going to write what I know. I’m going to write what I don’t know. I’m going to write what I wish I knew. Before. Before the red wine was spilled on the carpet stairs and the white wall, before I called the cops. Before you called my dad, when he was in Vegas. Before he knew we were at his house, with the cat. Before I coldly said goodbye, it was over. Before I made you drive away to your psychiatrist appointment in your moms car. Before I wouldn't even let you touch me. Again. Again you got drunk. Again you got high after eating that hamburger you could barely see. Again I screamed at you. Again you let me down and you were confused and I didn't even know what I was angry about anymore. I was just angry, again, at you.
Untitled 1
I'm having a love affair with his infidelity
I'm having a love affair with his whores
A psychogenic affair with his addictions
His hotel uterine world
Untitled 2
The angels of hell fly with me
My gypsy love found mystic worlds
Rebel minds
My saints
Scoundrels
Madmen
Born from my hysteria
I bear my sons
My lovers
Extensions of myself
I'm reflecting dreams of us
A Lingering Departure
I can feel you standing behind me
As I wash my glasses in the kitchen sink
And I start to cry as I think of us
Sitting on the hardwood kitchen floor
Putting the kitchen table together
We are listening to Miles Davis
Miles apart
I cried when I was with you
And I cry now when I'm alone
Untitled 3
I'll tell the tale of many men
Enough for me to trace my story back to you
I'll forget them
No names to speak
And tie your name around my neck
For if I lose it I lose you
To lose my mind
No memory left to have
They've taken me
Oh Cannibals!
They're eating me alive
Escaping
I will trace the bloody trail back to them
And remind them what fear is
Untitled 4
I loved him but
I dreaded the damp warm mattress
Where his body laid
I felt the vibrations of his weights
Footsteps
Thinking
Pacing
Imperceptible
Incisors
The womb would not rot
Fondled and forgotten
This face of mine’s in season
Have a glass and prepare for blindness
Untitled 5
Down before the waterfalls
The stranger wants to know
Where his thirsty lovers mouth will go
And all the running lines will guide
Fitted hands reigned to die
Untitled 6
Take down those boxes
And give me back my room
The one I filled with thoughts of you
I never got them back
I never wanted this
You forgot your courtesy
And I
Forgot myself
Untitled 7
Whatever can be written
Can stand
Side by side
But never touching
I'll never know your existence
Other than my own
Sudden racking of
Mind's loathsome home
I've lost hope
And dreams of you
Left on empty street corners
I got tired of waiting on a memory
Night's dreary promise
To and end of an ideal
Untitled 8
Beggars in the graveyard
Trying to exchange
Empty hands for warm coffins
The quiet night sneaks up on you
Love and Death
Walking down the beggars hall
Aisles of time stand still
Watching one think it's two
There is a chimera in town
Knocking at your door
Untitled 9
Knit the round that follows us
Transfixed beyond the lust
Inspired by the written word
Anticipated visual worlds
Drawn close by tragedy
In love we found our ruby glasses
Custom made from vinyl ashes
A deeper look proved to show
In love I lost control
Through fears and anxious pasts
I ripped the seams that paved the way
Beyond the house of horrors
I fed the beast that struck the walls
Behind the mind that lures
Our hearts that fought to find
Its match in modern times
Tucked inside this maddened cave
Still found love beyond the grave
The Drip
I wanted to lick up the intoxicating smell
Of sad metallic misery
As it dripped down his lifeless arm
Blank stare
I know there's love in there
But I can not journey down that lonely road
No room for both our darkness
And I require more than she'll allow him to give
I'll remember his touch
I'll remember his kiss
I'll remember the smell
Of sad metallic misery
That
I'll miss
Untitled 10
There's a blood stain on my comforter
In the shape of a perfect heart
That bleed from his open track
Leaving his mark
His love,
Still to give
Though weighted
Pain
Pushed inside
It still bled through
Reminding me he's still here
The only real sign I've got
A bloody mark from a junkie’s arm
My devotion
To the wounded
There is a blood stain on my comforter
One with no real shape
Just a mess that bled
From my open womb
Leaving my fertile mark, unplanted
I refuse to stop the bleeding
Untitled 11
No one wants a prisoner
A hand that ties them down
Leave thoughts of you
With room for me
I love you
Let's get married
And sleep on solid ground
Untitled 12
It's a lonely place to dwell
Feeding on a distant past
I've grown to know so well
My place in time does not remind
My heart to follow through
The spaces left between the words
That left me in a displaced world
I am left alone
To know
That only suiting lovers
Lived once
And
Long ago
I need a partner in times
So rough I cannot carry myself
Or the burden that awaits
Beyond the morning sun
I scream in silence
And pray it will be heard
I did not do it to feel fucked up. I did it to feel, what I thought to be, normal. Drugs. To quiet the bellowing of my mind. I was trying to function the best way I knew how in the uncontrollable situation I was placed in. Life. Always searching for a place that manifested physically to match what was inside this mind. Lost. I had complete conviction for this singular notion. Love. And searched dark corners in hopes of finding its match. When dark corners failed, I sought bright ones, fabricated belied ones and reached far for hocus pocus déjè vu ones. All corners lead to the same fallow field. Alone.